It’s no secret that I have a therapist and have had one in some form or another for many years. They’re as necessary to me as water, food and air or I would never be able to make sense of why I am the way I am today.
October 18 will be my 4 year sober anniversary which I’m very thrilled about. I’m finding that now that I’m on the other side of the “Obsession” to deal with my problems via booze that things are so crystal clear today that sometimes they hurt, a lot. I’m not going to implode by any means but I struggle, we all struggle…hence the title of my blog.
I don’t know if anyone is reading and I suppose it really doesn’t matter. I need to let go of things. Things that still have me “Stuck”. That’s when my therapist said. “Have you ever journal’ed?” and I immediately cringed. Not because I wouldn’t have anything to write but because I didn’t want to physically write via pen to paper. I’ve never liked writing even as a kid in school. I was born a few decades too early to take advantage of laptops like kids can use today.
Back to the title of my post.
It’s become very clear to me that I am very much my parents in all their good and bad aspects even today. I may have thought I wasn’t going to grow up to be them but nonetheless here I am. I don’t care how many times I’ve said to myself. “I’ll NEVER be like that when I’m older.” In some respects it’s Exactly who I am.
So now the hard work begins. How do I undo and let go of all the wrongs I’m still left with today? Sure it’s easy and only logical to say I need to “just let go”…I hate when people flip that at you as if it’s really that easy. But it’s not that easy. If it were an entire medical community of therapists would be un-employed.
So I’ll attempt to write things here, as they flow out, un-edited, not re-formatted to fit your television and run in their alloted time. It is what it is and I have no shame in owning my feelings. Today they’rs still a great deal of hurt, anger and frustration that my parents allowed to occur which in turn made me who I am today. It won’t always be gloom and doom here but I believe in giving myself the space to feel what I need to feel. Goodness knows I spent enough years stuffing it all inside and that didn’t work out so well.
Love, Peace & Compassion ~Rob