Thursday’s are usually therapy day but I wasn’t feelin’ it today. I’ve been bouncing around some difficult issues regarding my father over the past few months & today I was a bit overwhelmed.
I suppose deep down, somewhere I just don’t know where that is yet, I don’t really hate the man. Deep down, somewhere, I actually love him very much and feel sad he can’t be what I need him to be. Need versus want is what I’ve been having to sort out.
Can I let go of enough of the painful stuff to get to a place where “needing” to hear or feel “I’m sorry.” no longer matters? I don’t know that I have that much forgiveness at this space & time in my life.
I said no to therapy today because I knew I would become just one blabbering mess of a person & that wouldn’t be conducive to solving anything. I’m close, very close, to being able to finally distill exactly what it is I want to be angry & hurt about & what I don’t. Now I just need to muscle up the courage to verbalize it & be ok with it once I put it out there in the universe. It could very well mean that my father & I never speak again before he leaves this world.
His age presents a dilemma for me in that as much as I want to dig in my heels & say “let him call me & make things right…”, there isn’t much time left. Hence the struggle to put things “away” in my head & heart as best I can without feeling robbed or resentful. Resentments are a very, very destructive thing indeed.
For now I have my trip to look forward to. I have some much needed renewed hobbies of photography & painting. I have some promising new friendships to look forward too as well.
It’s nice to finally know I’m not the only one that struggles with life. And it’s nice to know there are people in the world that I can connect with, sober. I never thought I’d have that chance at life and what a wonderful opportunity it is.
Sometimes saying no to something is the best thing you can do for yourself. You’re able to re-visit it at a later time at much less chance of peril to your overall well being.
When in doubt…don’t.
L, P & C ~R