Wow…four years. I never would have imagined myself where I am today sober let alone four years. I was thinking back to when I was first coming around and how impossible it all seemed. Impossible that I was ever going to get the hang of this new life. Impossible that I would ever be able to develop and maintain friendships. Impossible that I would be able to own my own place. That’s a huge one for me because I didn’t come from that kind of background. We had food stamps and public assistance none of which I’m ashamed of in the least. I just never thought I’d be here…owning something…my very own thing ya know?
It’t not a bragging thing or boasting about what I have materially. It has to do with finally have some sense of security in my life that my parents were never able to provide for me. When I was a kid I always knew there was something more for me in life. I always had this little inside secret no one ever knew. I knew they couldn’t help me get get to where I wanted to be in life but I knew. I knew I would somehow someway get to where I would finally be happy in spite of them.
There used to be Sunday dinners are one of my father’s friends house. They all liked to lecture me in front of the entire room of people on why I had to learn how to behave in school. How if I didn’t buckle down I wasn’t going to amount to anything. I used to sit there and hum little songs in my head, pretending to listen but just eating and singing in my head.
It was pretty darn painful now that I think about it more but the wonderful thing about where I am in my life today is that I don’t need to dwell on that at all anymore. I used to get “stuck” quite a bit. Stuck to me is letting those old childhood feelings paralyze me to the point of not wanting to move forward in life. I’m so, so grateful that isn’t my “default” mode any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I still get stuck here and there, I think we all do from time to time. The good news is now I know I have the where with all to get myself out of it.
I’m writing on my new laptop I bought today. Every anniversary I buy myself one over the top thing and this year it was my Apple MacBook Pro 17in. I suppose it seems extravagant but it’s actually a very useful tool for me. Did I absolutely need one let alone the 17in, no, but I will use it quite a bit.
Now that Angie has helped renew so many old hobbies I once had, I’ll get so much joy from my pictures and being able to edit them in bed and work on my blog from bed. Bed is a very comfortable place for me. On those days when life gets the best of me, bed is about as much as I can muster. Now when those days do come again I’ll have one more tool at my fingertips to reach out and ask for help. Asking for help has always been a hard thing for me.
I’m on the precipice of letting go of a lot of my past hurts. It’s hard but it’s a “must have” and not a “nice to have”. Especially if I’m going to finally evolve in to that person who has no regrets and lives life completely free and in the moment of today.
Come on 10/18…we have a date with Disneyland and Angie who needs some love and friendship. Hurry up will ya!
L, P & C ~R