Six days until my trip to California & I’m filled with so many feeling right now. Excitement, nervousness & trepidation to name a few.
Alcoholics can get kinda “squirrelly” around their anniversary dates. In years past I’ve reacted in a variety of ways, one year I wanted to call it quits, one year I spent it in Provincetown with 900 other gay sober people in celebration of sobriety. Opposite ends of the spectrum.
This year I’m looking forward marking the milestone with a sense of relief. There is a great satisfaction in knowing that when you stick with it long enough it does in fact get better. For me that provides relief in knowing that I made the right decision & that I’m confident I can keep going down this happy road of destiny.
I’m also looking forward to going back to my home town, in as much as you can call the Megaopolis that is Los Angeles a “town”. On my own terms, my own man, my own person, my own empowered entity, living life on life’s terms.
I had originally planned to spend a week down on the cape alone the week after Roundup, the annual gay sober get together, but now I’m glad I’m going to L.A. instead. At the start of this year I had a falling out with my father that left me pretty shaken, very shaken actually. Prior to our recent falling out we hadn’t spoken in some 15 years & then to have the exchange of words we did makes it all the more difficult to reconcile. The details I’ll leave for another post, another time…
So most of this year has been about figuring out how to really & truly be at peace with those past hurts. Those un-resolved childhood feelings that haunt us on in to adulthood. How was I going to put all these hurt angry feelings some place? When was I going to get to yell at someone? When was I going to get to find a sympathetic shoulder or welcoming set of arms where I could feel safe & just scream & cry about how much he hurt me? Guess what, it’s never going to happen. It’s taken me a long time to even entertain that notion. The notion that I’m never going to get that option. The key is now I don’t care or need that any longer.
When I planned my trip to P’Town I had all these ritualistic ideas of how I was gonna “dump” it all. I planned on writing a paper journal & setting the thing on fire in the dunes somewhere. While it would certainly help me purge myself of that stuff with my luck I’d probably get a ticket or something silly from the beach patrol.
Last night I went to an AA meeting, the first in quite some time, and the gentleman speaking summed it all up very nicely. “…continue to be trapped by the past or let go and move forward.” I’ve been working through a lot of this stuff and that’s the direction or mindset I was already in mentally & spiritually. As the AA saying goes, there are no accidents in God’s world. I was there at the right time to hear the right message right when I needed it.
It’ll be interesting to go back to the scene of the crime so to speak. Where it all began. Where all that I am today started. I’m not scared as I would have been had the idea come at another time. Another example of timing happening when things are meant to be.
I look forward to facing things looking squarely straight ahead. No regrets, no pain & no fear. I have a great deal to be proud of in my life & my past will no longer define me today. The next few weeks I know I’ll feel layer upon layer slowly peel away & I’ll feel lighter & less encumbered with each step forward, one foot in front of the other as it’s meant to be.
L, P & C ~R