Hello internet, how have you been? I’ve been utilizing you pretty much most of my waking life lately, I hope you don’t mind? Me? “I’m O.K….right where I should be with life, kinda like Goldilocks.”
“Fantastic!” is my new O.K. As I return home from my CPA who’s doing my taxes for me I’ve realized that O.K. is actually Fantastic. I don’t know what I expected when I decided to buy my place last year at this time. It was stressful, un-certain, exciting & sometimes beyond infuriating. However, I knew it was time to begin a new chapter in my life & so I ventured in to the great unknown.
A full year has passed & nothing remarkable has happened. I mean, I’ve settled in to a comfortable cycle of online bill paying. I’ve settled in to a never ending battle of recycling junk mail & vehemently getting my name removed from their list. And I’ve settled in to a life of very routine & some might say mundane activities that translate in to “O.K.”
I guess what I’m struck with today as I walked back from her office was how at ease I am with things. Sure I’m going to owe the IRS a huge chunk of change but it doesn’t panic me. “How could that be?” I thought. How is it that I’m so totally O.K with things that O.K. really means I’m super-freaking-FANTASTIC? How is that leading a life of pretty ordinary activities leaves me at ease? The answer? I’m no longer fearful of no drama, no longer fearful of things unknown, no longer fearful that I won’t know how to find the answer to a particular problem.
Let me clarify that last statement. That doesn’t mean I’m completely without fear. What it means is the chaos that I was used to living in on a daily basis has been replaced. As a survivor of a chaotic childhood which contributed to my alcoholism. Daily chaos & drama was all I knew, it was the norm. I had no clue how to live any other way & even when I made half hearted attempts it felt odd, not O.K, not normal & pretty darn uncomfortable.
Today my old fear, the fear of “daily life”, has been so gratefully replaced with ordinary day to day stuff. Stuff that other folks reading this have probably been living as part of their daily lives for a very long time. For me, it took some time to be O.K. with a life of just O.K…sounds odd but I can’t describe it any other way.
Even with my back incident I have to say I can’t find any reason to gripe about any of it. Yeah it sucked for a bit & there are still things to do about that but when I take time & look around me & see people I don’t even know on the subway or walking down the street. I have to realize that I’m going to be O.K & that’s better than most can say these days.
So in all this O.K.’ness…I really should reply with “Fantastic!” the next time someone asks me “How are you?” to which I can honestly reply “I’m fantastic! Thanks for asking.”