It’s been awhile since I’ve felt compelled to sum up my day but there has been an area of my life that’s had a hole in it for quite some time. Today it was repaired & as a result the program of A.A. was renewed within my spirit.
I had gotten away from a particular meeting that I was heavily involved with because of some “perceptions” about a few individuals. Rather than talk them out person to person my ego & grandiosity got in the way of repairing not only a close friendship with this person but the group in general. Eventually I got to the point where I felt I can “manage things on my own” or “Yeah, I get it, don’t pick up a drink, ok, no problem”. Well…that’s not going to last forever before you become certifiably whacko again.
Over the past few months I had been wondering why I hated everyone, everything, every place. “How dare those two hipster chicks in front of me with two new innocent babies take up the sidewalk with their strollers side by side!” or “How dare that person walk down the street texting not see me coming down the street & move?” (when I can clearly see they don’t see me & I could just as easily move aside avoiding being crabby all together…) I mean, I’ve been one giant walking breathing mass of self entitlement & craziness for goodness sake!! I guess The real questions should have been “Who do you think you are that you can keep on living your life letting things push you closer to the edge & somehow do it alone?” or “Why in all the years of A.A.’s history do you think you are some how unique?” The answers? I can’t & I’m not.
You hear what you’re supposed to hear when you’re supposed to hear it when it comes to A.A. meetings, it’s an old saying & one that I firmly believe. I believe if your heart & soul are truly open to what is being said…you’ll hear the message, the message you’re meant to hear. When you’re at that place you don’t need to struggle to make sense of the lingo & you don’t have to struggle to understand what’s being said by people, you just “get it”.
For instance the common theme today, & thank god it’s the theme I was needing to find an answer to, was hearing everyone talking about getting away from A.A. & eventually relapsing. Not that I want to benefit from other folks relapses but I needed to hear that this path of “Self-Sufficiency” can only last for so long before it ultimately ends in ruin. I have too much to lose to risk doing it my way. I don’t have another bottom left in me. Not to sound overly dramatic but I just don’t & trust me, when you know that in your gut, that’s actually a healthy thing.
The other simple honest truth is I missed a lot of people from this meeting that I got to re-connect with today. People who greeted me with a genuine hugs & I mean a reeaalll hugs & heartfelt wishes of “I’m so glad to see you again!” or “It’s great to see you’re ok!” etc. that it touched my soul.
When I first came in to Trinity Church just shy of my 2nd year anniversary I didn’t think I was going to make it. The people in that group welcomed me with open arms, hearts & minds & I learned a lot about myself in that group. It’s the group I’ve always considered my first & only real group regardless of other meetings I’ve gone to. It’s the group that I’ve always known I can count on when all else fails me. Today proved that in spades.
Today I’m grateful that I chose to return to my old routine & old group. It’ll be nice to have an anchor in my day to look forward to and build my day around. I had forgotten how something as simple as that can be such a powerful antidote to completely irrational anger to the craziness that is called life.
Thank you my old friend Trinity Church, I’m happy to have a renewed our connection.